Truly the next chapter.

I’ve probably said it time and time again: here’s the next chapter of my life, but until now those were just words.

I’m a parent, a mother.  I have a child, a daughter.  This isn’t a new chapter, this is a whole new book.

If you aren’t familiar with “The Yellow Wallpaper” by Charlotte Perkins Gilman, you should check it out.

Now I’m not saying that I’m postpartum psychotic but for every woman out there who has felt helpless, hopeless, aimless or overwhelmed and have stood at the brink of sink or swim to motherhood, let me just say- I understand.

Some days I can break it down as easily as a) Am I good mother? b) Am I doing this right? and c) Are we both happy?  But some days are a little more complex.  a) Is she crying because I’m inadequate? b) Can I calm her crying without crying myself? and c) Can I keep my stress level in check without feeling like giving up?  And some days are dismal.  a) Will I slip into resentment for the burden of being ultimately responsible for this child? b) Is my love untainted by feeling trapped, lost and ill-equipped? and c) Will I not be compassionate or be able to show love the way my mother couldn’t/wouldn’t?

These feelings can easily fit into: am I strong enough?  That pretty much covers it.  And I’m not talking about the physical pain of pregnancy, the delivery, the 4 am feedings, cracked nipples, the screaming, the crying (hers or yours), I’m talking the way she looks into your eyes in the quiet of the day when you are all alone with this little thing in your arms.  She can’t speak but she says a thousand things with her heart.

Am I strong enough for this love?  Because it is so big, so encompassing, so unconditional and unending.

Am I strong enough to endure what she needs of me?  Because I need to show her the world, protect her from harm and make her strong enough to do it on her own.

I’m not counting the flowers in my wallpaper yet and I don’t think I will anytime soon but there are some days when I don’t believe I can express how deeply I feel about these things and in that way I feel lost.  I’m not alone, millions before me and millions after me will feel these things and that is why for me I’ve decided it is important to start writing again.  Happy, sad, funny, tragic, mundane, life altering, silly, crazy, plain, whatever these days will bring I believe at this moment that I am strong enough.

I do believe that I will have many more of these moments.

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