After I got back from visiting with Damien last night it was already 8pm. Mark (I thought) was going to leave as soon as I got back because he had ignored me earlier when he came over after he was done work.
Instead, what he did from that point on, surprised me. As I drove up the driveway, he was putting all the garbage out on the curb for me and when I got inside the house, it was clean. He had tidied up the kitchen and removed some things I didn’t want and that he was going to take anyways. I thanked him for doing those things and thought that he was going to leave. He was shaking and held some papers in his hands. He asked me to do him a favour. He said, “Could you read this please? I’ll give you fifteen minutes and I will stay silent. After that if you want to ask any questions, I’ll answer them or if you want to discuss anything about it, we can.” I agreed to do that for him and we went to sit on the couch.
What he had written was a four page long letter. In it he thanked me for being kind and respectful towards him even when he was acting like an asshole (during this separation) and for being an amazing mother to our son. He described his sorrow for how he has treated me and abused me in the past. He wrote that at one point he was so depressed that he thought about ending his life but decided that our son needed him and it would be very selfish if he was to do that. He kept saying how I made the right decision in leaving him and that he was not writing the letter in hopes of getting back together. He said that he was writing it to mature and to deal with the situation by coming to terms with was has happened. I cried while I read his letter.
He wanted to share with me his pain and all the hurt he feels for what he’s done to me so that he can move on. I told him that no matter what I’d always be here to support him and help him to deal with his pain. I’d go to a counsellor with him or whatever he needed. He said he knows that he can always count on me and that he doesn’t want me to be there for him, because it just reminds him of what a wonderful person he lost. I guess I can sort of understand that..
He told me that the reason he didn’t want me to make those cookies for him for his birthday was because he doesn’t want another reminder of what a great person I am, and that it would just hurt him. I told him that’s not what I was trying to accomplish by making him cookies for his birthday. I told him that the reason I wanted to do something for him was just to give him a kind gesture. He asked me to please not do anything for his birthday. I agreed and said I wouldn’t. I am slightly disappointed in that though.
What I found to be slightly ironic in his letter was that he wrote, “One day I hope you will become a great writer and tell about your life stories so that others may learn from them. I just will be sad that I will be the villain in the story and everyone will know of the pain and sorrow I have caused.” What he doesn’t know is that I am writing a blog about my life and that he is the villain in the story… somewhat…
One thing that really struck a chord with me was that he wrote, “One thing I hope you can do is forgive me. And learn from our life lessons and become a stronger woman. Hopefully you can remember me for the good things so that you always have a positive attitude.”
He cried a lot while I discussed with him what he had written. I told him that I really wanted to hug him but that I wouldn’t because I didn’t think he’d want me to. He said, “I need a hug!” So I hugged him and we sat together on the couch and ended up cuddling.
He said that he was at the Pub with a friend when I arrived there (the night before) and that he g0t so jealous thinking about if I was there with another guy that he had to leave immediately. That sparked a big discussion about us and whether either of us was dating.
What began as a sad and sombre discussion ended up as a four hour long talk with us being friendly with eachother and even laughing. I told him about people thinking I am a player, and my chances that I had at being able to have intercourse but rejecting them. He told me about some almost flings he had with three women but none of them worked out. I thought I’d be jealous but it didn’t bother me at all. I was actually starting to feel happy for him that he is getting himself out there. I asked him about the incident of him dancing at the bar in the nearby city and he admitted he was aiming to have a one-night stand but that he was obviously trying too hard and probably seemed desperate. I laughed at that, just the way he was talking was amusing me.
I asked him if writing all that was his idea or the counsellor’s idea. He said that he has not seen his counsellor in a while and that it was his idea. He said that he needed to open up to me and get out his feelings because keeping them all inside was making him feel worse. He said that after talking with me he felt much better and that he was glad that we could communicate with eachother again. I agreed and said that I was so thankful for him opening up to me. I told him that it will make the process go that much smoother as well as being a lot easier on our son if we talk with eachother and can be friends.
He asked about the possibility of moving back into the house, not to get back together with me but to be able to see our son and so that I’d be supported financially. I told him that if we did end up doing that he’d live downstairs and that our son and I would live upstairs. He said that would be fine. I told him that we would not have sex (and if we did it would be rare) and that if things remained as they were (at that moment) that I would be comfortable with that living arrangement. I told him that I wouldn’t even be jealous if he brought girls home to have sex with. He was amazed at that. He said that he wouldn’t mind having sex with me, but he knew that it wouldn’t happen (or atleast not very often).
During that conversation I was completely up to trying out that living arrangement but said that I would talk to my lawyer and see if it would change anything in the divorce process.
I talked to my lawyer this morning and she said that if he moved into the basement, I would still be able to be divorced from him at the end of the day. Our date of separation would not change, so the divorce timeline would remain the same. However, what she said it would affect would be my custody rights. She said that if he moved in, I would no longer be the main caregiver and that the Judge would see Mark as much of a parent as I am right now. She said that the Judge would not look upon me moving away with our son, for me to go to school favourably, if his father was living with us and being a main caregiver. She said that it would most likely give Mark more favour in the Judge’s eyes and I could possibly lose my battle in wanting to move away with my son.
I do know that if Mark moved into the basement, it would definately ease my financial burdens. He would resume paying for most of the bills and I wouldn’t lose the house or need to have a renter to support my income. I also know that we would probably end up having sex a couple times because we feel comfortable with eachother. I don’t want that to happen. I also don’t want any more disrespect from him or mistreatment in front of our son. My gut tells me that if he moved in, at some point, even if it wasn’t right away, he would disrespect me in some way.
The bottom line to me remains, ”Do I really need to go back to school and be the best possible person and parent that I can be?” and the answer is yes. Yes I do.
Mark has told me that I am the best mother he could have asked for, for his son and that he does not doubt in any way my ability to look after our son if I move away.
I don’t want to end up having shared custody with Mark, who in the past didn’t even want to spend a few minutes playing with his son after work, let alone having to look after him for a week or two at a time! He does seem to be maturing though, and does want to see his son more often but is he really capable of being a better father than he was before? I’m not sure.
One change I noticed in Mark right away was when he picked up our son this afternoon for the weekend. As our son was getting ready to go out the door, Mark said to him, “Give mama a hug and kiss goodbye!” He has never done that before. Mark used to hurry our son out the door, so that our son wouldn’t be able to give me a hug or kiss goodbye. When Mark said that today it surprised me but showed me that he really was serious when he said he would be respectful of me now and try to be more thankful.
Maybe there is hope for him to change…?
Zee
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